First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
