Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
