I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
