Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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