I don't usually arrange sex via text message
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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