I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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