Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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