I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize