Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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