im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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