It's like God shit irony all over that family
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize