Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
