first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
