you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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