Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
