When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
