Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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