i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
