Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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