I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
