I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize