good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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