We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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