We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
