Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
