my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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