Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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