Who did Billy Mays play for?
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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