i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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