I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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