my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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