yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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