And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
