I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
