I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
