I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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