sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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