I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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