I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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