My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
He shit in the fireplace
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
