I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
