girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
