New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
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