and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
