a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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