my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
