I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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