she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
