Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
