I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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