I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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