Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Sext me about skeletons
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
