I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
