Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
