No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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