A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
