Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize