I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
