I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
