The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
