I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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